Who I am

It has taken me a long time to figure out exactly who I am, but I think I am finally almost there - especially over the past few years. I think that self-discovery and exploration are a big part of life. We are constantly evolving, changing, and learning more about ourselves. 

One thing that has changed for me are my views on religion. I'm not really sure what I used to believe. I don't know if I actually believed in god because I felt I was a Christian, or if I just believed in him because that is what everyone around me believed and I never really questioned it until I was 18 or so.

Even now, 6 years later, I am still not 100% sure what I believe. I suppose -if you want to stick a label on it- you could call me agnostic but I'm not even sure that adequately describes my views on god and religion as a whole.  

In the back of my mind, I wonder, is there a god? What if there is and then I don't get into Heaven because I questioned his existence? 

But then I remind myself that I feel better questioning things that I am unsure of, rather than just believing in something or someone because it is what many others around me believe. 

I have to find comfort in my own beliefs and if being a Christian and believing in god is something I am not entirely comfortable with - it's okay. I don't have to be a Christian or believe in god to be a good person. 

For awhile, I was afraid my views on Christianity were tainted by those who use "because that's the way god wants it to be" as a reason for everything. Or by those who protest gay marriage and abortions, not because it's their OWN belief that these things are bad -- but because they think god would be unhappy with them if they did accept these things. 

Kind of like the boy-scouts banning gay members and leaders. As a private organization, is it THEIR right to do so? I guess it is. But when "their rights" start imposing on the rights of others -in this instance, people who aren't heterosexual- then I find that to be a problem. When someone uses Christianity as an excuse to breed hate and discriminate against another human being for having a different sexual preference than them - I find that wrong. It shouldn't make me resentful of the Christian religion as a whole, but sometimes it does. When this happens, I try and remind myself that not every Christian is that way - but it can be hard to NOT let my views be tainted, nonetheless. 

Anyway.. I am who I am. I now feel confident in saying that I am not entirely sure WHAT I do believe, but that I don't know if god exists and that, right now, I can't identify with being a Christian. I am by no means the best person in the world, but I do care about others. I like helping others. I love animals. I'm crazy in love with my husband. My family and loved ones -including our fur children!- mean the world to me. 

I'm not interested in changing my views because someone insists that there is something else I should believe. I'm just interested in spending time with the people I love and finding joy in my every day life - which isn't hard to do at all! I am truly lucky.